Fear

Hey guys,

So lately I've have been looking back and trying to find God's last call, and searching to go back and figure out what it looks like for me to obey whatever it is he has for me. and over this last weekend I have felt God just bringing me back to "Bethel" and ministry and so here I am and my prayers have been answered, god has shown me whats next, but now I am feeling a little overwhelmed. I always thought that I would be able to step up when he called and say "here we go". But now that I know what he wants I'm running, and I've packed up my bags and I am getting ready for the next flight out of here. It's like I have been waiting for God's call and now that he has called I am like "ok call me to something else, I don't like that one let's try something else." It's stupid and messed up, but it is purely fear. I am finding myself running right back to "what I know" anything that will take me away from here, away from the moment, because if I can hide it or pretend not to have seen it then I don't have to go there and I don't have to do it. So I have been finding a lot of temptation, in the form of porn and masturbation. all god is asking for is obedience right? well that's not that hard, but I'm too affraid to obey, I don't have money and I definitely don't want to go to school where I will become $90000+ into debt, and when I bring money into the equation I see that it is more than just my fear, but the idea of a Mitchell family curse. When I see finances I turn into Mitch, obviously not as intense because I am totally not spending all my time at work or searching for work, but money scares me and I have been told that debt is bad. I feel like in my family debt is comparable to hell, it is a little funny and ridiculous but totally true. I feel like by accepting God's path for me I am also purposely turning my back on my family and I am afraid that by going to a school that is going to bring all these financial issues my dad is going to form a bitter heart against me. It is ridiculous, but you can't change how it feels, I mean some people are afraid of aliens is that really a logical fear, no but none-the-less their still scared of them.
Well I have to go get in contact with some BU admissions people and try and figure out how to get into the school this fall, on the bright side I will probably get to see Michael more. lol, maybe I could room with him eventually.

peace out

time

hey all,

So I have a little bit of news for you all, and I think that this one will be easier to read, and comprehend. A couple of weeks ago JJ and Katie K went out and bought paint and now Jeremiah and I have gone to work. We are doing way more than painting, we have torn down two walls and the ceilings in out living room, dining room, and ex-laundry room, and so right now everything is pretty messy, but it have been a lot of fun working and really seeing everything change. We have basically filled up and entire dumpster, and we still have crap in our basement, our shed, and a little in our garage, so hopefully we will be able to fit everything together, but I'm at the library and I don't have anytime to write.

One more quick thing is this: there were a couple of boys that got shot like 4 blocks from our house last weekend, and they are both alive and it sounds like everything is going to be ok, but if you could be praying for the family and the community, alright well thanks all.

the vent

hey all,

well I'm really just going to type and go with whatever comes out! lol, forgive me my english errors, I got my ACT back and I got a 25 better than last time, but they totally told me I suck at English and now that I look at this sentence I see that A. this is probably a run-on, B. the syntax is all F'd up. I'm not sure how appropriate F'd is or F, does it really mean anything different than the full word? I've been reading James a little bit lately and he talks a lot about what it looks like to follow God in a visible way. In that he touches on taming the tongue and in the NIV he says our tongue speaks praise to our God and then it turns around and cuts the hearts of our community and that doesn't show Jesus in us at all, so really can we sit back and F up the place then tell of the love our savior has for us or how our God has transformed us?? I mean come on that seems a little F'd up to me (LOL).

So I guess I just wanted to vent and write and get some of my thoughts onto paper. Try to get the scatter out of my mind. It feels like I have a thousand birds soaring around and they are all out of place and all I want to do is be able to trap them in their cage again. So let me begin I guess. Lately I haven't felt any pressure to be anyone, and that is awesome, but it also leaves so much so open. I hate that. I have said this to a lot of people recently but that's not going to stop me from saying it here. Sometimes life just sucks. You make a plan and things just go haywire. and me I was making a life plan, you know starting a 5-year plan, but frick of course that doesn't work out for me. So now I am totally down to nothing except an every other week at Macy's, well typically less than that. So now I am open and trying to be humble and to give it all up. Live a life devoted and striving, I love that it is so much easier when you don't have anything to give compared to when you have the job, the money, the car, the house, the food, the girl, the blah! But here I am now finding myself with the God, living trying to make the God, the everything. Living life with a lot of thinking, a lot of praying, a lot of silence and a lot of listening. Stepping out of my normality to find that God is life, and that he has a plan for me, that I don't have to worry about anything that is to come because I will have a way provided. Sometimes the path is narrow, and sometimes it seems untraceable. But it is always there. So here I go out into the world once again taking one step at a time do what I can to follow the light.

Thanks for reading my totally bogus, lame blog and I guess now you know a little bit about how I feel.

PEACE