True Intimacy

So I haven't really thought this blog out before typing and so whatever comes out comes out I guess. Yesterday I had breakfast with CJ and it was good we talked about a bunch of stuff and a lot of it just ended up being random conversation. But the one piece that really stuck out to me was how we continued to come back to intimate relationship with God. and how there are so many people we know that go to Valleybrook and find intimate God because he is everywhere there and Valleybrook isn't interested in settling with anything less than a true intimate God. It's super cool to be able to see that and be a part of it, but for me it seems like a lot of my intimate God lies there, and that's not right. So I guess over the last twentyfour hours I have been really trying to meditate on my intimate God, and ripping down all the weeds to try to discover the treasure that lies on the other side, but I continue to feel like I won't find it. It feels like my intimate God is so small right now that I need to chop down all the weeds then rake them up so that I can see a twinkle in the grass. that is a big revelation for me to break through pride that I didn't realize was there and then to find that that is just the begining. So I guess it is cool to be able to find a point of focus and it seems like good timing, because right now feels like a season of preperation. What am I prepping for? Bethel, I guess, maybe it is just leaving here again. Oh my gosh, so I guess I'll share my car experience from last night, so I got new parts for my brakes and stuff, but then when I got home I jacked it up. So far so good. Then I went to take the tire off and what do you know I don't have a tire iron, whoops! and so I find a ratchet and a bit that will fit and I pop the tire off. and at this point I am feeling pretty good, things are going smooth and nothing is going to get in my way. So I take off the caliper and things are still sitting pretty good. But then I get to the four bolts holding my hub on and I can't not find anything to fit them, and then I find the right size but of course the ratchet needs a special attachment to connect to the bit and so I have to stop and go out and get the connection piece. then I come back and I put on the bit and I start cranking on these bolts and I can't get them, the bit fits perfect but wait a minute there is a crack in the bit so when I start cranking on it the cracks open and the wrench comes undone. so I go digging around and I find a new wrench that is the same size and I crank on it and it comes right off no problem. so now all I have left is to slide to hub straight off. but the hub would not budge, not an inch. I try and try but that thing would not come off. Today, I'm tired and sore and I didn't even get to accomplish anything on my car. because there was just one piece in the way. But this situation tells the way I have been feeling pretty recently, assuming that God is my rotor, I just feel like there is something in the way and it feels like I'm just ill equiped to fix the problem. I think that now I can see that God isn't my old crappy rotor, but he is like my ratchet wrench, he is always equiped for the situation but the second I put him down and try on my own nothing falls together.

what to say?

I guess I'm at a point where I feel like I have a lot of internal battles to fight before I can be/do anything. It has been interesting over the last couple of days, because I was cool and then all of a sudden there was a self-worth bat, and it was like I'm strolling along the path and WHACK! baseball bat to the face. lol. But seriously I have been learning that other people can't damage me, I don't let the lies that come from people affect me. But then when lies come from me then they have to be true because I am saying them. and I would say that I am a pretty honest man and so when I say things to myself, and I don't mean in the I'm crazy way, I believe them because I am a pretty credible source. But lately I have just been bashing myself with everything that pops into my mind. And the typical pattern that I am finding right now starts with an expectation that I have for myself, but I can't live up to my own expectations, so bam whatever the expectation that I missed is becomes new ammunition for voice in my head. and it has got to a point where death becomes less of a joke and more of a longing. Now don't misinturpret this by no means am I feeling suicidal or self-mutilatory (haha). But as a Christian I know thaty theg future that is held for me after death is going to be far better than the life we face now. So death is logically the easy way. So it sucks to feel like this and it is a brutal process to try and beat your other "being" into submission.

Peace Love and Happiness