Who Am I?

I find that so many times in life we sit and we ask ourselves “who am I?”, and as I was sitting on the deck the other night I sat and I wondered who am I, and as I asked that question I began to think of who I’ve been and the question who was I began to form. The question who was I, is a much easier question to answer, because as Winston says “hind sight is 20/20”. I can look back and label myself, which is the beginning of the answer who was I. I was the Christian, or I was the jock, or I was goody-goody, or the team captain, or the hard worker, and the list can go on and on, even though it would make answering these questions really, really easy, we aren’t a label.
Sometimes we walk in a label, but it is easy to see that walking in a label is just hiding who we are. As I continued to look back at who I was, I found that I was a decent person, and I prayed, and went to church, and had the opportunity to be a co-leader in small groups, and I got to play sports and play them well. I wasn’t perfect, and now I’m seeing that there were times when I was mean, and times when I was lacking in patience and I didn’t have to swear, because I could make words that were strong enough to cut open the wounds of people’s hearts without cussing at them. And I asked who am I, and I found that I was who I wanted to be, so I changed, to who I am, and now I come back to the same question, who am I? Now I see the question in a new light with the idea that it doesn’t matter who I am, what matters is who I am going to be. It is an interesting revelation for me because when I talk to non-Christians this say things like “well I’ve made a lot of mistakes, God can’t love me” or “My past is pretty dark”, and my answer to them is it doesn’t matter who you’ve been because your future is writing a new page, it doesn’t matter who you are, it matters who your going to be. So right now I sit and I look at who I am, and I find that I’m not the person I want to be, I’m not living a life that is full heartedly following after God, I’m holding back, my faith is so little. Now as I sit and ask who am I, I find that the answer is easy, way easier than anyone has ever made it seem. It doesn’t matter.
It doesn’t matter where I am now; it doesn’t matter where my path is currently leading. What matters is who I’m going to be, where I’m going to go from here. Even if I’m heading south and I’m supposed to be going north it doesn’t matter, because I can turn around how hard is it to turn around? I think a lot of the time we get too deep in where we are that we feel that we can’t move without going deeper. But let’s say you’re driving down SS and you receive a call that your mom just got rushed to a hospital they don’t know how long she’s going to live, are you to keep driving away? NO, your going to whip a u-turn on the spot because you want to be there to see her even if just for a minute, a single glimpse of her is worth enough to last a lifetime, so why is it any harder to turn to God? Even if just a minute in his glory, a glimpse of his power, isn’t god worth a turn around?
It is time to stop asking the stupid question “who am I”, and make the decision who are you going to be. So who are you going to be?

chick flicks

I know what you're thinking right now, "Jared, your obsessed", but lately I've been thinking a lot about chick flicks and for me this is a new spin. I guess it all starts with the question, 'why?'. Why do I watch these movies that aren't that interesting, let's be honest chick flicks basically all have the exact same plot with a twist here or there. So I can't be watching these for the entertainment, no, I watch these movies because they are so many things that I wish i had. I guess a lot of it is all based around their portrayal of "True Love". I'm not going to lie about it most of the time I end up on the verge of tears when I finish these movies and it's not for the award winning actors. It's the character in the movie that is will to sacrifice for the other, it is the guy that won't let anything stop him from being with her. It's the courage that it takes to run back to them, look them in the eye, and say I'm sorry, I love you. Then I stop and I think why is that not what life is really like? I know how lame I sound, but seriously why can't we have that life? I'll use me as an example, why can't I have that? well I could, if I wasn't such a chicken sometimes. If you've ever seen a chick flick you know there is the initial meeting, then there is the relationship building, and then the conflict, then a resolution, and if it doesn't line up like that you aren't really watching a chick flick at all and the jokes on you. But don't worry because as I look at this plot, I realize that I break the chick flick flow in every relationship I've been in. I can't really say I love the initial meeting, because I don't really remember it :), but I can say that I really enjoy learning the finer details of people and getting the opportunity to get a glimpse of someone's heart. But I never really reach the conflict. Anytime things feel like around the corner there is trouble I'm out. Because I'm not in a chick flick and the problems around my corner are worse than anything that any chick flick could come up with, and my partner isn't going to be the same as a chick flick partner would and so there is absolutely no way that my problems could ever be handled in the real world. But now that I look at it over and over I have stopped acting part way through the flick. I would describe it as if I'm an actor and my partner is the actress and God would be the director, and it is kind of like I just run off the set because I haven't read the resolution yet and so I think that it is going to end at the conflict and I'm going to be left feeling poopy. Which is funny because in the end I create a conflict that hurts worse than any that the script has written out for me. I guess I am really rambling, but my main point is this, we are designed to live the chick flick, we are created to fight the fight, to grow a pair and show them how much we love them, to never let a moment pass where they don't know how much we care. Our lives are chick flicks, and it's time to decide which character you want to be. and right now you can have to hero because I'm feeling like a big coward.

True Intimacy

So I haven't really thought this blog out before typing and so whatever comes out comes out I guess. Yesterday I had breakfast with CJ and it was good we talked about a bunch of stuff and a lot of it just ended up being random conversation. But the one piece that really stuck out to me was how we continued to come back to intimate relationship with God. and how there are so many people we know that go to Valleybrook and find intimate God because he is everywhere there and Valleybrook isn't interested in settling with anything less than a true intimate God. It's super cool to be able to see that and be a part of it, but for me it seems like a lot of my intimate God lies there, and that's not right. So I guess over the last twentyfour hours I have been really trying to meditate on my intimate God, and ripping down all the weeds to try to discover the treasure that lies on the other side, but I continue to feel like I won't find it. It feels like my intimate God is so small right now that I need to chop down all the weeds then rake them up so that I can see a twinkle in the grass. that is a big revelation for me to break through pride that I didn't realize was there and then to find that that is just the begining. So I guess it is cool to be able to find a point of focus and it seems like good timing, because right now feels like a season of preperation. What am I prepping for? Bethel, I guess, maybe it is just leaving here again. Oh my gosh, so I guess I'll share my car experience from last night, so I got new parts for my brakes and stuff, but then when I got home I jacked it up. So far so good. Then I went to take the tire off and what do you know I don't have a tire iron, whoops! and so I find a ratchet and a bit that will fit and I pop the tire off. and at this point I am feeling pretty good, things are going smooth and nothing is going to get in my way. So I take off the caliper and things are still sitting pretty good. But then I get to the four bolts holding my hub on and I can't not find anything to fit them, and then I find the right size but of course the ratchet needs a special attachment to connect to the bit and so I have to stop and go out and get the connection piece. then I come back and I put on the bit and I start cranking on these bolts and I can't get them, the bit fits perfect but wait a minute there is a crack in the bit so when I start cranking on it the cracks open and the wrench comes undone. so I go digging around and I find a new wrench that is the same size and I crank on it and it comes right off no problem. so now all I have left is to slide to hub straight off. but the hub would not budge, not an inch. I try and try but that thing would not come off. Today, I'm tired and sore and I didn't even get to accomplish anything on my car. because there was just one piece in the way. But this situation tells the way I have been feeling pretty recently, assuming that God is my rotor, I just feel like there is something in the way and it feels like I'm just ill equiped to fix the problem. I think that now I can see that God isn't my old crappy rotor, but he is like my ratchet wrench, he is always equiped for the situation but the second I put him down and try on my own nothing falls together.

what to say?

I guess I'm at a point where I feel like I have a lot of internal battles to fight before I can be/do anything. It has been interesting over the last couple of days, because I was cool and then all of a sudden there was a self-worth bat, and it was like I'm strolling along the path and WHACK! baseball bat to the face. lol. But seriously I have been learning that other people can't damage me, I don't let the lies that come from people affect me. But then when lies come from me then they have to be true because I am saying them. and I would say that I am a pretty honest man and so when I say things to myself, and I don't mean in the I'm crazy way, I believe them because I am a pretty credible source. But lately I have just been bashing myself with everything that pops into my mind. And the typical pattern that I am finding right now starts with an expectation that I have for myself, but I can't live up to my own expectations, so bam whatever the expectation that I missed is becomes new ammunition for voice in my head. and it has got to a point where death becomes less of a joke and more of a longing. Now don't misinturpret this by no means am I feeling suicidal or self-mutilatory (haha). But as a Christian I know thaty theg future that is held for me after death is going to be far better than the life we face now. So death is logically the easy way. So it sucks to feel like this and it is a brutal process to try and beat your other "being" into submission.

Peace Love and Happiness

the night

so this is gonna be pretty brief, but it ties in with my bethel blog. I spent some time with my dad and we went to dinner and talked about life and it was cool. He started out telling me about stuff in his life and I got to see the root of the money fears and now after talking stuff over with mitch I am less affraid, still freaked but now I have some hope with the situation. I got to express all of my fears and junk with my dad and he said that he would support me with the path that I choose and told me that he was proud of me and my desire for god in me. it was an overall good experience and I am happy that I had the night with my pops. It has really opened up our relationship from my side at least.

helpfulness makes the world go 'round.

so I know i'm breaking my rules and i am using a computer outside the library, but I just felt the need to write I guess. Yesterday I had an applicably cool experience, so I was riding on a bus and I was reading soul cravings and as I'm reading an elderly gentleman is getting on the bus and by the time I looked up he was on the last stair but I could see that he was physically weak and was struggling to get on the bus. any of us that have ridden a bus, whether city or school bus, know that it is a pretty simple task, and if you feel tired they even put in railings to lean on to assist you up the three stairs that are there. So as I'm sitting there rolling through town the last words that I read continued to echo through my head, "when we stop caring about the lives and conditions of those around us, we lose a part of ourselves", so I began praying "God help me to se people, to see opportunities to care, love and to take action." then I looked around and I saw this man sitting there and he began to talk to the bus driver, me being the wonderful listener I am couldn't stop myself, and this guy began to share the story of his last six months, starting with an "ice accident" where he was walking and slipped and landed on his back and had to be hospitalized for a few weeks, he continued and starts to talk about how he has actually just got out of the hospital for the second time but this time it was because when he went in to get his flu shot they took a blood sample and found out that his hemoglobin, red blood cell count, was half of what it was supposed to be and how he got rushed to the hospital and how the Dr.'s were saying that he was lucky he even got to the clinic to get the shot in the first place. Then I know shocking as it may be I said to myself" wow Jared, maybe you could help this guy, maybe God is opening a door for you now." so I continued to sit and listen as he was talking and as I did so I watched my stop through the window as it rolled on by, luckily, a few blocks down he pulled the cord signaling his stop and so I got up and I said, "can I help you with anything?" and he said, " no I'll be ok", and so I tried again by not asking to help him but asking him if I could carry his bag for him as if it were my dream come true to carry his grocery bag, and he took another glanse at me and said yeah I would like that. So I grabbed his bag for him and marched off the bus and when I got off he said I could just set it down and I said no that's alright, and he well then if you want you could carry it across the street for me to my next stop, so I did and as I stood there beside him I could see in his eyes how happy he was that someone would help. For the first time I looked at him and in his eyes I didn't see his pain, or his struggles, but a glimpse of hope. It took me five minutes to take his bag and walk across the street with him, but to him it meant the world. When we got the bench where his next stop was he smiled at me and gave me a pat on the shoulder and he thanked me, and then again he thanked me, and one more time he thought that he should thank me so sure enough he did. As I looked at him one last time this man looked new, when I first saw him he looked as if he had the weight of the world slowly crushing him but now he shined it was as if in the time between the bus and the bench he didn't feel like he had to carry all that weight alone, as if someone else was there to stand beside him to support him. It was a really cool experience for me to take a little extra time and to be rewarded so fully from it. It was cool. So I guess this falls as a challenge, but I believe that if we identify ourselves as christians it is important for us to search for those opportunities and when we find them to love the people we see. Maybe your really in a hurry but I urge you to change your pace to match the pace of the kingdom.

well later

Rest

So I'm super excited to see what God has for me over this next month through the idea of rest. For anyone who doesn't know right now at 14sixd we are going through a series called rest, but the rest series isn't just a series of messages but also a series of challenges to encourage us to stop and flip our life from busy busy busy to rest. I have expectations as to what God has to show me through this season of my life and flat out I'm stoked! I can't wait to see what God has for me, and I can't wait to hear God speaking to me. One thing that I have been praying a lot for is a truly intimate relationship between me and God. more specifically I want to cry, so often we see tears involved in true repentance and I haven't found myself with God crying in a long time, but I'm hoping that as I draw near to him he will break me. and so lately as I have been praying these lyrics keep coming up:

Yeah, I feel You fallin'Like the rain against my skin

And I hear You calling

Your voice like thunder in my head

But now I am stallin'

Cuz I'm afraid to let you in

Yeah, come break me down with Your mercy

Come break me down again

I'm Yours tonight

I'm Yours, You can break me down

Break through these walls I hide behind

I'm Yours tonight

Come and break me down

Won't You break me

But yeah I'm not using any electronics for the next month excluding my library time and tonight I have to go online to get my tax information. but other than that I am going to be doing a lot of reading, and I just finished HP7 so now I am really going to be diving into scripture and I am going to start soul cravings again, and hopefully I will be a better guitar player by the end of the month because I hope to be spending a lot of time in worship. But I guess in general I am excited to see what God has to do in me over this season of rest.

So, peace out.

Fear

Hey guys,

So lately I've have been looking back and trying to find God's last call, and searching to go back and figure out what it looks like for me to obey whatever it is he has for me. and over this last weekend I have felt God just bringing me back to "Bethel" and ministry and so here I am and my prayers have been answered, god has shown me whats next, but now I am feeling a little overwhelmed. I always thought that I would be able to step up when he called and say "here we go". But now that I know what he wants I'm running, and I've packed up my bags and I am getting ready for the next flight out of here. It's like I have been waiting for God's call and now that he has called I am like "ok call me to something else, I don't like that one let's try something else." It's stupid and messed up, but it is purely fear. I am finding myself running right back to "what I know" anything that will take me away from here, away from the moment, because if I can hide it or pretend not to have seen it then I don't have to go there and I don't have to do it. So I have been finding a lot of temptation, in the form of porn and masturbation. all god is asking for is obedience right? well that's not that hard, but I'm too affraid to obey, I don't have money and I definitely don't want to go to school where I will become $90000+ into debt, and when I bring money into the equation I see that it is more than just my fear, but the idea of a Mitchell family curse. When I see finances I turn into Mitch, obviously not as intense because I am totally not spending all my time at work or searching for work, but money scares me and I have been told that debt is bad. I feel like in my family debt is comparable to hell, it is a little funny and ridiculous but totally true. I feel like by accepting God's path for me I am also purposely turning my back on my family and I am afraid that by going to a school that is going to bring all these financial issues my dad is going to form a bitter heart against me. It is ridiculous, but you can't change how it feels, I mean some people are afraid of aliens is that really a logical fear, no but none-the-less their still scared of them.
Well I have to go get in contact with some BU admissions people and try and figure out how to get into the school this fall, on the bright side I will probably get to see Michael more. lol, maybe I could room with him eventually.

peace out

time

hey all,

So I have a little bit of news for you all, and I think that this one will be easier to read, and comprehend. A couple of weeks ago JJ and Katie K went out and bought paint and now Jeremiah and I have gone to work. We are doing way more than painting, we have torn down two walls and the ceilings in out living room, dining room, and ex-laundry room, and so right now everything is pretty messy, but it have been a lot of fun working and really seeing everything change. We have basically filled up and entire dumpster, and we still have crap in our basement, our shed, and a little in our garage, so hopefully we will be able to fit everything together, but I'm at the library and I don't have anytime to write.

One more quick thing is this: there were a couple of boys that got shot like 4 blocks from our house last weekend, and they are both alive and it sounds like everything is going to be ok, but if you could be praying for the family and the community, alright well thanks all.

the vent

hey all,

well I'm really just going to type and go with whatever comes out! lol, forgive me my english errors, I got my ACT back and I got a 25 better than last time, but they totally told me I suck at English and now that I look at this sentence I see that A. this is probably a run-on, B. the syntax is all F'd up. I'm not sure how appropriate F'd is or F, does it really mean anything different than the full word? I've been reading James a little bit lately and he talks a lot about what it looks like to follow God in a visible way. In that he touches on taming the tongue and in the NIV he says our tongue speaks praise to our God and then it turns around and cuts the hearts of our community and that doesn't show Jesus in us at all, so really can we sit back and F up the place then tell of the love our savior has for us or how our God has transformed us?? I mean come on that seems a little F'd up to me (LOL).

So I guess I just wanted to vent and write and get some of my thoughts onto paper. Try to get the scatter out of my mind. It feels like I have a thousand birds soaring around and they are all out of place and all I want to do is be able to trap them in their cage again. So let me begin I guess. Lately I haven't felt any pressure to be anyone, and that is awesome, but it also leaves so much so open. I hate that. I have said this to a lot of people recently but that's not going to stop me from saying it here. Sometimes life just sucks. You make a plan and things just go haywire. and me I was making a life plan, you know starting a 5-year plan, but frick of course that doesn't work out for me. So now I am totally down to nothing except an every other week at Macy's, well typically less than that. So now I am open and trying to be humble and to give it all up. Live a life devoted and striving, I love that it is so much easier when you don't have anything to give compared to when you have the job, the money, the car, the house, the food, the girl, the blah! But here I am now finding myself with the God, living trying to make the God, the everything. Living life with a lot of thinking, a lot of praying, a lot of silence and a lot of listening. Stepping out of my normality to find that God is life, and that he has a plan for me, that I don't have to worry about anything that is to come because I will have a way provided. Sometimes the path is narrow, and sometimes it seems untraceable. But it is always there. So here I go out into the world once again taking one step at a time do what I can to follow the light.

Thanks for reading my totally bogus, lame blog and I guess now you know a little bit about how I feel.

PEACE