I guess I'm at a point where I feel like I have a lot of internal battles to fight before I can be/do anything. It has been interesting over the last couple of days, because I was cool and then all of a sudden there was a self-worth bat, and it was like I'm strolling along the path and WHACK! baseball bat to the face. lol. But seriously I have been learning that other people can't damage me, I don't let the lies that come from people affect me. But then when lies come from me then they have to be true because I am saying them. and I would say that I am a pretty honest man and so when I say things to myself, and I don't mean in the I'm crazy way, I believe them because I am a pretty credible source. But lately I have just been bashing myself with everything that pops into my mind. And the typical pattern that I am finding right now starts with an expectation that I have for myself, but I can't live up to my own expectations, so bam whatever the expectation that I missed is becomes new ammunition for voice in my head. and it has got to a point where death becomes less of a joke and more of a longing. Now don't misinturpret this by no means am I feeling suicidal or self-mutilatory (haha). But as a Christian I know thaty theg future that is held for me after death is going to be far better than the life we face now. So death is logically the easy way. So it sucks to feel like this and it is a brutal process to try and beat your other "being" into submission.
Peace Love and Happiness
No comments:
Post a Comment