a little something for me

I guess as of late it has been an uphill battle, fighting the person I am. Is it ok to hate yourself? I have to say yes, because over the last month it is safe to say that I hate my life and the person I am in it. I think it is important to distinguish between who and I am, and the person I am. I think that we can all look at this distinction and see that there is truth of both people in us. Just as we are our own worst critics, I think we are continuously battling the idea that we are never truly satisfied with who we are. We all have pieces to the puzzle of life, but how often do we put the pieces together scrambled? How often does the true and intimate version of ourselves get hidden by the person we have created?

Now I am trapped in the person I’ve created hiding some of the most vivid pieces of who I need to be. I suck right now. When I look out at life I can’t see who I am, I can’t see myself. It is a terrible thing to stop and look into your life and see the things you’re missing. Sometimes we respond to how life is and we just respond poorly, other times we just make bad decisions and run with it until we reach a breaking point.

For me, I know that I have some pieces that look like my dad and some pieces that look like my mom. I seem to do my to exemplify my mom’s pieces and try to hide my dad’s. Obviously as a response to who my dad was for me. The problem is that my dad has a lot of great pieces. It’s just that as I was growing up he didn’t use a lot of his pieces the right way. So now I can’t help but try to reject them so that I don’t live like he did. But now I look at how he has made the choice to change his life in order use his pieces appropriately and I can’t help but want to use my pieces the way that he is using his. My dad wrote in my Christmas card this year, knowing where I am, he said something along the lines of Jared your young, and I’m so proud of you, but remember you’re going to make mistakes. For the rest of your life you’re going to be trying to figure it out. Man was he right.

We’re always going to be able to look at ourselves and think crap I’m messed up, but we have to understand that we never have to be that person again. We have every right to change the person we’ve created, the person you are doesn’t have to exist anymore. We all have been uniquely designed to be who we are, so stop hiding your pieces, and figure out how they fit. Hey, life’s a bitch and sometimes we miss out on who we are, but don’t live in it, change it. Be who God has created you to be. Stop hating the yourself, and be made new.